Hot Shots
by Ron Weasley's Cutie
Summary: Yep, this, well, was a series that was going to be based on METMA challenges, but I only had the inspiration for two chapters. Ah, the humanity of it all.
1. Hot Shots

Hot Shots

Disclaimer: Let's just make it simple and say that I don't own anything. 'Cept Billy-Bob. And Parrot the Parrot. And the Vicious Man Eating Turkey. And Jimmy-Jo the Chinese pirate. And Larry the sea serpent. Nyah.

This was in response to…you guessed it, METMA Mandy's challenge! YAY! The rules go as such:

-someone needs to say "sore wa himitsu desu" which means, "Now that's a secret" in Japanese

-someone's eyeball needs to itch

-it needs to rain cats and dogs…literally…

-a character needs to win 2nd place in something

-it must have a plot

-it needs to be funny

-must include "Ewww…Ron, what did you DO to my BED???"

-must include purple underpants

-and lastly, must include a telemarketer!

YAY! Now sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh till you cry (and then some)… or not…a-hee, hee…and for the people who have seen the movies 'Hot Shots' and 'Hot Shots Part Deux', please tell me if I made this fanfic lean too much toward the plotline of those movies…(I couldn't help it!!!! they were so funny!) uh…whoops…heh heh… 

Anyways, in those little blocks of _italic writing the person that talks in the quotation marks is my conscience, and the one that isn't in quotation marks is just…me._

**March 9, 2001, 9:00 p.m. - Hogwarts**

** **

"I sense that something very bad will happen very soon…" muttered Professor Trelawney as she looked into the deep, misty (or foggy, whatever) recesses of her crystal ball. "Yes, yes…the…what?" She looked at the ball in confusion. "My…my bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans will empty by midnight? Damn." 

__

_If it hadn't been for that latter statement, Professor Trelawney might've actually gotten one of her many predictions right. Something bad was about to happen. Yes indeedy-do. Something that would take the wizard world by such surprise that not only would they not know what hit them; they would cry their poor, pathetic hearts out and beg for mercy on bended knee. So bad, that even Voldemort couldn't compare to it. And it did not involve chocolate-covered coffee beans. Yes, you guessed it, the---_

_"Don't give it all away…"_

_Okay then. Where were we?_

_"The Professor…"_

_Oh. Right._

Professor Trelawney sighed and covered the crystal ball with a black velvet blanket. She took her wand, muttered, "Lumos", and then headed towards her room. After shuffling about in the corridors for some time, she fumbled at the lock on the door to her bedroom/office. She yawned loudly and smacked her lips. 

And then, WHAM! 

Something heavy and wooden had hit her on the head and her wand fell to the stone floor with a muffled tappity-tap-tap. Sibyl herself had fallen to the floor like a penny does when you throw it off the top of the Empire State Building._ Like a brick. Two slightly hairy and tanned hands grabbed her hair and dragged her into the shadows._

_ _

_And thus was the first victim of…the---_

_"I told you not to give it away."_

_Fine. Be that way. _

_"Oh, shut up and stop pouting…"_

_I'm not pouting._

_"Yes you are."_

_Just let me get on with the story, will you?_

_"Fine…" _

_Thank you **so much…**_

_"You're welcome."_

**March 10, 2001, 11:31 a.m. - Auror Headquarters**

"Atten-HUT!" yelled the Head Auror. 

All of the aurors filed into a straight line in front of him and yelled, "Sir!"

The Head Auror (whose name happened to be Robert) smiled and began to pace in front of them, every now and again pausing to purposefully breath in another auror's face.

"It has come to my attention," started Robert in a fierce whisper that could be heard because, well, he had that type of voice, "that one of the teachers at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been kidnapped," he paused for a moment, savoring the suspense of all of the other aurors. After waiting for about five minutes, he said, "Yes. Professor Sibyl Trelawney, Divination teacher, was kidnapp…"

Two voices from the back of the line suddenly yelled, "ALRIGHT! SHE'S GONE! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!"

Robert blinked, and stared at the two teenagers in the back. They were new, their names were Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, or something like that.

Robert strutted over to them, slowly, and smiling. Harry and Ron were still whooping for joy, but now they had added a little dance to the number.

"Have something to add to our conversation, then, boys?" asked Robert as he got to maybe a yard or two in front of them.

Harry and Ron stopped partying and snapped to attention.

"Uh…um…no sir, no…" Ron said awkwardly. Robert stepped in front of Ron and started to breathe in his face.

"It seemed that you had a lot to say…" Robert breathed. Ron's eyes starting watering, and then, right when he started to look as if he would turn green, he turned around and started coughing like there was no tomorrow. Harry, who took the hint, handed Robert a tic-tac.

"Um…breathe friendly?" Harry joked timidly. Robert looked at the tic-tac suspiciously, looked up at Harry, smiled evilly, and turned to the rest of the aurors. 

"Please, my good fellows, wish the best of luck to the ones who will find Sibyl Trelawney!"

All of the aurors clapped and whistled appreciatively. 

Harry's eyes widened. "But we don't want…"

"Of course _you don't, but __I do! Now pack your things, you're apparating first chance you get!"_

"But…"

"NOW!" roared Robert.

"Jeez, fine…" 

"File out, everybody!" Robert yelled casually to the remaining aurors. "Oh, and boys?"

"Sir?"

"I would like you to apparate to Hogwarts. I believe someone will be there to help you."

Harry looked at him and blinked. "But sir, you just appointed us to this mission about five seconds ago…"

"Is that a problem, Potter?"

"No sir…" Harry sighed.

"Good. Now run along, you have a busy day!" Robert said in a tone that reminded you of when you were five years old and your parents were anxious to get you out of the house.

"Um…yes sir…" Ron said meekly. 

He and Harry turned and trudged up to their rooms. After walking thirty stories up the stairs (don't ask), they reached the hall where their rooms were. Harry's was on the right side; Ron's was on the left.

Harry pushed open his door and summoned his suitcase out of the closet; he also did a little charm that would make his clothes pack themselves. He threw himself onto his bed (well, technically he didn't _throw himself on their, because that's impossible, but I think you get the general idea). About half a second later he jumped up and yelled, "Ewww…Ron what did you DO to my BED?"_

Ron, who had been packing his clothes the normal way, since he didn't have a lot anyway (*sniff* poor ickle Ronniekins…), ran in looking completely bewildered.

"What? What'd I do?" he asked curiously.

Harry looked at him and pointed at the bed in anger. "What are _those?"_

Harry pointed to a very tiny pair of unmistakable purple underpants.

Ron observed them with a cocked head. "Looks like underwear to me." he said plainly.

Harry rolled his eyes. "I know _that! How did they get there?"_

Ron shrugged. "How should I know?"

At that very same moment, Hedwig flew in, and she was wearing, believe it or not, a tiny pair of pink underpants.

Harry and Ron stared at her, but Hedwig took no notice in them and started to eat a mouse that she had brought in.

"I'm sorry, but that is just plain _weird…" Ron said, apparently still in shock._

"How the hell is an owl supposed to get underwear on?" Harry wondered aloud.

Hedwig turned to look at them and said, "Sore wa himitsu desu."

"Oh great, now there are Japanese owls in England…Ron muttered disgustedly.

Hedwig gave him a calculating and disapproving look and said, "Well pardon me for living! Humph!"

"Now she talks…wonderful…" Harry murmured.

Hedwig turned to him with a look of shock. "I thought I was your owl?"

"You are."

"Then why aren't you supporting me?"

"Supporting you in what?" Harry asked.

"Well fine! If you don't know, then I won't tell you!" Hedwig squawked as she turned around and stuck her tail out at them.

_"That was really weird."_

_Of course it was._

_"A talking owl?"_

_I ran out of ideas._

_"You're an idiot."_

_No shit, Sherlock._

_"You said a cuss word. Potty-mouth."_

_Do you want me to censor the cuss words, O one that **never cusses?**_

_"Actually, yes. That would be a good idea."_

_Fine._

_"Beep."_

_Heh heh…_

_"Beep? Beepin' beep beep! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Beep beepin' beep!"_

_Still want me to censor it?_

_"BEEP!!!"_

_Ugh, fine, I'll stop…just when it was getting to be fun…_

_"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!?!"_

_You said a cuss word._

_"SO?!?!?!"_

_I rest my case._

_"I hate you."_

_The feeling is mutual._

_"Moron."_

_Can I just tell the story?_

_"Yeah. But you're still a moron."_

_Well you're a loser. Now shut up._

_"Okie dokie."_

_ _

Harry and Ron shrugged and went back to packing. About five minutes later they both picked up their suitcases, nodded at each other, and apparated to Hogwarts.

_I would just like to point out that Harry and Ron would be twenty if they lived in our time. See, because J.K. started writing the book in 1991, and so that would mean that they graduated in 1998, and they were seventeen, which would mean three years later they would be twenty. You probably already knew that, though._

_"I hope you feel better now, moron."_

_Oh, shut up._

_ _

And in a split second, there they were standing in the middle of the Charms corridor. A bunch of ministry workers were standing in a circle arguing about something. A pretty girl with bushy brown hair with a notebook walked over to them and smiled. _("I wonder who that could be?" SHUT UP! "Sheesh, fine O mighty one…")_

"Hi guys!" she said brightly. Harry and Ron looked nonplussed.

Her smile drooped a bit. "Don't you remember me?"

Harry looked politely puzzled. Ron, on the other hand, suddenly looked horrified.

"_Hermione?" he gasped._

"No shit, Sherlock."

_"Okay, now THAT was uncalled for."_

_Yeah, fine, okay, it was. I'll rewrite it…_

_"Good."_

_ _

"_Hermione?" he gasped._

Hermione's smile lit back up again. "Yep!"

Harry was still looking politely puzzled.

Ron looked at Hermione with a cocked head and a puppy face. "Hermione, why did you leave me?"

Hermione's smile turned into a frown and she sighed. "Oh Ron, that contest got in the way…I'm sorry…"

"Sure you're sorry…riiiiiiiight…"

"But it's the truth! I really did love you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Flashback Thingy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"A flashback?"_

_I had to do one._

_"You're never gonna win this challenge."_

_I do recall telling you to shut up a few minutes ago…_

_"My lips are sealed."_

_Thank God._

_ _

"Hermione? You are coming with me to London tomorrow, right?" asked an eighteen year old Ron over the noise that was in the Three Broomsticks.

The eighteen year old version of Hermione, who was sipping some butterbeer, said, "Of course, Ron! I wouldn't miss it for the world!"

Madam Rosmerta came over with a tray.

"Who ordered the French fries?" she asked as she picked up a bowl of fries.

Hermione put up her hand. "Me."

She set the fries down in front of Hermione and put an ice cream sundae in front of Ron.

"There you go, dears," Madam Rosmerta said distractedly. Then she hurried off to another table.

They ate in silence for awhile.

Hermione finally spoke up. "Ron?"

Ron looked up. "Hmm?"

"Um, whatever happens, I want you to know that I love you."

Ron shrugged. "Yeah, whatever."

"Ron, I'm serious."

"I know."

Hermione decided to change the subject. "Guess what?"

"What?" Ron asked as he checked out the newspaper.

"I won second place in the 'Who's the Smartest?' contest."

Ron pointed at the paper. "Yeah, it says so right here in the Daily Prophet," he began to read it aloud. 'Ms. Hermione Granger of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry placed 2nd in this year's Who's the Smartest? contest. Ms. Granger is to receive a round-trip to Paris, France.' And---" 

Ron suddenly stopped looked at her in horror. Hermione's lip began to quiver. Then she burst out into sobs.

"I'm sorry Ron! I have to go! If I don't everyone will get mad at me!" she cried.

Ron looked puzzled. "What are you talking about?" 

Hermione stopped crying. "What are _you talking about?" _

Ron pointed to the article below the one Hermione was in. "You lost to a Scottish pirate named Billy-Bob, that's what!"

Hermione's eyes widened in horror. "_What?"_

"You did! Look, it says right here! '1st place was taken by the infamous Scottish pirate Billy-Bob. He will receive round trip tickets for a Carnival cruise line to the Bahamas.'"

Hermione was in shock. "I…I lost…I lost to a guy named…Billy-Bob…"

Ron shrugged. "It isn't the end of the world, you know."

"YES IT IS!" Hermione roared. "I LOST TO A _SCOTTISH PIRATE NAMED BILLY-BOB! I LOST TO A REDNECK! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION?!"_

Ron, who had leaned very far back on his chair, said, "Um…no…not really…"

That was the wrong answer. A _very wrong answer._

"NO?! THAT'S IT RON, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE MY CONTESTS SERIOUSLY, THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO…_LEAVE YOU!"_

Hermione took one last swig of butterbeer, ate another French fry, and stormed out of the Three Broomsticks.

As Ron soaked in what had just happened to him, a dark gray rain cloud formed over his head and began to rain on him. After awhile the rain cloud began to roar with thunder and flash with lightning. The rain cloud stayed over Ron's head for approximately three months. 

And Ron, who usually doesn't cry, cried. Just the teeniest little bit. Sad, isn't it?

_Poor ickle Ronniekins…I'd be nicer to him…_

_"Oh, be quiet, you're the one who wrote that."_

_Shut up you idiot._

_"I'm not an idiot. You're the idiot."_

_Thank you!_

_"You're welcome, idiot."_

_Thank you again!_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ End of Flashback ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

Ron tapped his foot on the floor and checked his watch absent-mindedly. "Mmm-hmm. Sure you did. Where's the person that's supposed to help us on our little mission thingy?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's me, dung brain."

Ron's face contorted in disgust. 

Harry suddenly got the gist of what was going on. "Oh, hi Hermione! How are you?"

She made a face at Ron. "I could be better."

"What're we supposed to do on this mission?" Ron asked impatiently.

Hermione suddenly looked very, very angry. "We have to…have to save Professor Trelawney."

Harry and Ron both groaned right on cue.

"Do we have to?" they both whined.

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Don't cuss."

"Yes ma'am."

"And don't call me ma'am."

"Okay lady."

"I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that." Hermione said as she looked over at a window. She screamed.

"HE'S COMING!"

"Who's coming?"

"THE TELEMARKETER YOU IDIOTS!"

"The what?" Harry and Ron chorused together. They both looked out the window. Cats and dogs were falling out of the sky like…rain. 

Hermione gasped for breath and explained, "The telemarketer! He runs the school 'Pigpimples'! His name is Alvin Fumblefore, and he has a pheonix named Kawkes. He's very, very evil! And whenever he travels he makes domestic animals rain from the sky!" Harry and Ron could almost see the little lightbulb hovering over Hermione's head go 'DING' and light up.

"He must be the one behind all of this!" she said excitedly.

Harry and Ron watched a cow fall from the sky. It went 'MOOOOOOOO!" as it passed their window.

"What kind of person in their right minds would make cats and dogs fall out of the sky?" asked Harry.

"A maniac." said Ron plainly.

"It was a rhetorical question, Ron."

"Oh. Okay then."

There was shatter of glass and a shrill scream behind them; Harry and Ron whipped around to see a very skinny and well-groomed man clutching his heart in fear.

"Who just screamed?" Ron asked.

The man leaned against the wall.

"Me," he panted. "I'm terrified of broken glass…"

Ron raised his eyebrows. "Um…okay…"

"Who are you?" Hermione asked.

The man tried to make himself look as dignified as possible. "I am Alvin Fumblefore, headmaster of Pigpimples and telemarketer extraordinare…Which reminds me," he pulled something out from the dark recesses of his black cloak. "Would you like to buy some skin cream? It's a half off specialty this week!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione shook their heads. The man sighed and put it back in his cloak.

"What have you done with Professor Trelawney?" Harry asked reluctantly.

The man looked puzzled. "Professor wossname? I'm afraid I don't know who you're talking about."

"Well, you know, she always predicts people's deaths and crap like that."

"I'm sorry, but I've never heard----" CRASH! "What was that?!"

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

"It's the circus!" cried Harry and Ron. Hermione slapped them both on the back of their heads. 

"You're both idiots." she said sharply.

**TO BE CONTINUED…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

_"Well it's about freakin' time!"_

_What? You didn't like it?_

_"It had it's moments…"_

_What was your favorite part?_

_"I don't pick favorites. It's hard to pick a favorite out of something so STUPID!"_

_You're mean._

_"That's what I'm here for."_

_Oh, shut up._

_ _

So…like, hate, like, hate? Take your pick. I'll continue this with the next challenge if I feel like it. Because I'm just lazy. Nyah. Just kidding! I have to finish up that other series I'm doing because it's annoying the heck out of me!!!! ARRRRGH!!!! My conscience is back there saying, "You gonna write it? Huh? ARE YOU GONNA WRITE IT?!?!?! You had better, you buttmunch. Vear. Vear, vear. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYBODY! (it's a little early. You got a problem with it then, BITE ME! Um, actually no…)

Now review me or I'll sic Billy-Bob, Parrot, Jimmy-Jo (Chinese pirate…heh heh), and Larry the sea serpent on you. And you do NOT want Larry to come after you. Nuh-uh, no way. Billy-Bob's bagpipe is out of tune………………..(THE DOTS HAVE RETURNED!)………………………………..A-hee, hee! Hee? Hee. A-hee hee, hee hee, hee. (translation - Review me.)

buh-bye now!

toodles,

Ron Weasley's Cutie


	2. Hot Shots - Part Deux

Hot Shots - Part Deux

Disclaimer: I don't own nothin'. Not even what's-his-name Potter *grins* well, I have to stay true to the challenge don't I? DO NOT MOCK ME! Hmph! Yeah...and, I think in this one I've steered away from that plotline thingy from the movie and made it my own story! YAY!

Now, if you guess what this fic is for, then you'll be happy because you guessed right! YAY! Got it yet? OF COURSE YOU DO! It's Mandy's challenge! YAY! The rules were:

-must be funny, must be in txt format, and have a plot

-someone's ear must be cold

-someone needs to say"Lo ani lo ohevet ha covah sheloh!" which means "No, I do not love your hat!" in Hebrew. :)

-Molly Weasley needs to be mentioned or in the fic (she's cool)

-you must write the entire fic without ever using the name "Harry" (*gasp* I SAID IT!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!)

-someone needs to chew gum obnoxiously 

-and finally, there must be a striped cat

NOW ENJOY! I LIKE TO YELL! READ! THAT IS WHAT THOSE LITTLE LETTERS DOWN THERE ARE FOR!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (lots of R's, yes indeedy)RRRRRRRRR!

BOOM!

What's-his-face Potter cocked his head. "You mean...it isn't the circus?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Of course not, doofus!"

_"Um...I don't think Hermione has ever said, or will say, 'Doofus'"_

_Too bad. It's my fic. You don't like it, go write your own._

_"I can't. I'm your consience, remember?"_

_Yes, unfortunately. And I think you spelt what's-it-called wrong._

_"Did I?"_

_Well how am I supposed to know?!_

_"Hmph. Fine. Let me be humiliated. Meanie."_

_Buttmunch._

_"Buttmunch?"_

_Buttmunch._

_"That's really stupid and immature."_

_Look who's talkin'._

_ _

Ron's eyes widened. "It's...it's...it's..."

_"'It's' what?"_

_Just shut up._

_ _

BOOM, CRACK!

The corridor floor split like an egg does when you wham it on the side of a ceramic bowl. Uh...yeah. That would be about right. I'll just shut up.

A very loud, deep, and faraway voice echoed across the halls.

"RON...Ron....ron...ron...ron...YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM...Room...room...room...room..."

Ron flinched. "Uh-oh..."

A flat-soled shoe the size of an elephant came into view from around the corner. Then a glimpse of a red-checkered dress. Then, lo and behold, Molly Weasley stood in front of them, taller then...well...one of Bill Gates' mansions placed so that it was on its side. That's pretty daggon big, if I may say so myself.

Mrs. Weasley's stared down at them with her icy (_"Icy?" Icy.) _brown eyes, which were each about the size of two wide-screen TVs, and said, "WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUNG MAN?...Man?...man?...man?...man?..."

Ron glanced around nervously and yelled, "Uh...nothing mum! Nothing at all!"

Ahem. Excuse me for the interruption of that rather...er...interesting dialogue up there to point out to you what the telemarketer was doing at this time.

Alvin Fumblefore saw the floor crack, and he nodded solemnly. Well, cracked floors made him a bit queasy, but every good salesperson knows a sucker when they see one. Hell, telemarketers have even harder jobs at that, because they have to _listen_ in order for them to tell whether a person's a sucker or not. 

Alvin started searching in his pocket for something. Alvin was a sensible man, and though that has nothing to do with what I'm about to say, I just thought I'd paint a little a picture of his personality for you. Every wizard knows (with the exception of the very stupid ones, of course) that the Hogwarts castle is magical. Everything about it is magical. From the ceilings to the doors to the classrooms, and, yes, even the floors hold magical properties of their own.

His face lit up as he grasped the item he was looking for and pulled it out of the shadowy recesses of his robe. It was a glass jar with some sort of blue, liquidy stuff in it. He walked over to the crack, and waved the jar over it. Assuming he had caught the floor's attention, he began his speech.

"Excuse me, but do you know how horrible you look? No, no, I don't mean that you look horrible because people walk on you; I mean you look like that because of that gigantic crack through your middle. Is it painful? I bet it is. Now please pay attention, because I am about to make you the deal of a lifetime, " he paused, savoring the effect of the floor's attentive silence.

_"What?"_

_Hey, it's my story._

_"I didn't say anything."_

_Good. Let's keep it that way._

_ _

It wasn't long till he started back up again. "You see this jar I'm holding? It contains a little concoction I like to call, 'Flooride'. Get it? Flooride? Whooo...I kill myself...anyway, this here Flooride will heal up any cracks you have, get rid of all the wrinkles, and shine those nasty black heel marks away as well. If you pay a bit more, we could make it so that the dirt and dust particles disintegrate when they touch you! All this can be yours, my friend, for the petty payment of 2500 galleons a week for the next fifty-two weeks. So, whaddaya say buddy? Take it or leave it."

The floor considered it, got mad, and spewed dirt and plaster into the telemarketer's face.

"Well gee, buddy, you don't have to be _that_ rude!" he said as he brushed the dirt off of him. "I should have stuck with telephones..."

Now back to your regular written fanfiction.

_ _

_"Aw, damn. I don't wanna go back. I want it to end. Hmph!"_

_You cussed. Ha, ha, ha!_

_"Shut up."_

_You shut up._

_"No, I insist!"_

_Hey, look, let me write the stupid story and then I'll shut up, okay?_

_"Stupid story, you got that right...fine, have it your way."_

_Thank you mighty one._

_ _

"DON'T LIE TO ME!...Me!...me!...me!...me!..." Mrs. Weasley roared.

That person with the scar (who is he again?) hissed something in Ron's ear. "It's the mother from Hell..."

Ron gulped. "Mum! What happened to you, mum?!" he yelled up to his gigantic mother.

"YOUR FATHER WAS TINKERING WITH THOSE MUGGLE THINGS AGAIN, AND I GUESS WHEN HE WAS ENCHANTING THEM SOMETHING WENT WRONG, AND HERE I AM! THOUGHT I'D COME BY AND VISIT YOU AT YOUR WORK, BUT THEN THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE ON DUTY, SO I ASKED THEM WHERE YOU WERE, AND THEY SAID," her voice changed back to what might have been considered normal tones, ""They've left for Hogwarts, ma'am," THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME, SO I DECIDED TO GO AND TIDY UP YOUR DORMS, AND LET ME TELL YOU RONALD WEASLEY, YOUR ROOM WAS _NOT_ ACCEPTABLE IN MY STANDARDS! AND UM...YOU...POTTER...YOUR OWL WAS WEARING PINK AND PURPLE POLKA DOT UNDERWEAR! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TEACHING THAT BIRD?! AND THEN I,..I,...i,...i,...i,..."

"We get the point Mrs. Weasley, " Hermione interrupted quickly. Mrs. Weasley's manner suddenly changed immediately.

"HERMIONE?! IS THAT YOU?! OH, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR AWHILE! HAVE YOU AND RON GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER?!... Together?!... together?!... together?!...together?!..." Mrs. Weasley winked her huge left eye.

Hermione and Ron suddenly started blushing furiously. "Um...er...no, Mrs. Weasley..." Hermione murmured.

"COME AGAIN?!...Again?!...again?!...again?!...again?!" Mrs. Weasley asked as she leaned down to hear her better.

Ron got a sudden inspiration. "She said that we are---"

Hermione gave him a look that said, 'You say it, you die, bucko.' Ron took the hint.

"---not back together. Yet." he added hopefully with a sideways glance at Hermione, who was now busying herself by looking at her watch.

"OH...WELL THAT'S NICE, THEN!...Then!...then!...then!...then!..." Molly said cheerfully.

"Mrs. Weasley?" shouted the guy with messy black hair. "Isn't there somewhere you need to be right now?"

Ron looked at the guy with relief. 

Mrs. Weasley looked up thoughtfully, which was not a very pleasant sight, as what's-his-face Potter, Ron, and Hermione happened to see up her nose. No, that's not exactly your idea of a pretty sight.

"COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE IS! GOODBYE RON, HERMIONE, AND...THAT ONE KID RIGHT THERE...There...there...there...there..." Mrs. Weasley exclaimed as she walked (or more approriately, 'stomped') off.

The telemarketer, who had just now noticed the huge woman, hurried over to um...that guy with the Firebolt, Ron, and Hermione.

"Your mother?" he asked.

Ron nodded reluctantly. "Er...yes..."

"A bit big isn't she? Do you suppose she'd be interested in---"

"No." Ron cut him off.

"But---"

"Forget it."

Hermione sighed heavily. Looked like they were never gonna find Professor Trelawney at the rate they were going. Not that that was such a big loss. It just meant a _huge_ cut on her paycheck. Hey, you gotta make a living. Even if it does mean saving someone who you absolutely loathe. Money is money, right? Right.

"Ahem." said a very irritated, yet musical voice from behind them. They all whipped around to see, amazingly, an orange and blue striped cat sitting comfortably in the middle of the air. Well, technically, there isn't a 'middle of air'. Air is...air. But you get the picture, right?

Anyway...

The cat's tail twitched and it waggled it's whiskers royally.

"I am the Cat of Solving Annoying Little Problems That You Really Don't Want Solved So You Can Give Up and Go Home. Good evening."

They all blinked, which was sign that they either had never heard of such a thing, or they were just confused because the cat told who it was before it said, 'Good evening'. But whatever the case, they blinked at the cat.

The cat got annoyed at that. _Very _annoyed.

"Can you mortals not show the proper respect for someone who is helping you?" it asked impatiently.

They blinked at it again.

"Look at the door, idiots. Honestly..." The cat stood up, turned around, gave the telemarketer and gang a nice view of his butt, and before it disappeared by walking through the wall, it muttered, "No good mortals...can't figure anything out for themselves..."

Hermione, having a higher intelligence then her three companions, looked at the door to Professor Trelawney's office. And there it was, pinned on the door with a sharpened bagpipe horn, a piece of parchment with words cut out of a magazine and pasted on it to form those things we literary folk like to call 'words'.

_"Oooooooo...ahhhhhhh...we're so impressed..."_

_Yay._

_"Yay yourself."_

_Lalalalalalalalalala! I can't hear you! I'm not listening!_

_"Good."_

_What was that, the wind?_

_ _

Ron, who had been staring at Hermione (of course), followed her gaze and, being very tall, he pulled the horn out and gave Hermione the note. It read:

I have her. You'll never find me. You all stink like rotten meat. Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah! Why don't you all just give up and go home? ARR! Oops... YOU ALL SHOULD GO HOME YOU MEANIES AND LEAVE ME ALONE! Try again tomorrow! Okay?

- THE KIDNAPPER

P.S. - MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ron got a look of disgust on his face. "Lo ani lo ohevet ha covah sheloh!"

"What?"

Ron shrugged. "I was angry."

"Why?"

"Because he said I stink like rotten meat!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."

NCH! NCH! NCH!

The man with green eyes turned around, "What the hell are you doing, Alvin?"

The head of Pigpimples looked at the man and opened his mouth. The man saw a nice, big wad of yellowish gum on Alvin's molars.

"I'm chewing gum obnoxiously." Alvin said plainly. He started chewing again. NCH! NCH! NCH! NCH! NCH! NCH! NCH! NCH!

"Well can you stop?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you won't buy a piece of gum from me."

"How much?"

"Twenty-five galleons each."

"NO WAY!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...YEAH...SUUUUURE....**

Yes, of course it will, now shut up and review me. Why? Because deep, deep down inside of you there is this little nagging voice that says, "Now why don't you be good today and review somebody?" And that somebody should be ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! I just like reviews, that's all... I also like to sniff crack. That's not a crime, is it? It is? Aw crap...they're on to me...(for those of you who are utterly serious and cannot take any joke in any form, just remember, I AM KIDDING YOU...PEOPLE!)

toodles,

Ron Weasley's Cutie

_ _

__


End file.
